Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Challenge: Perform A ROCK SONG

Okay, the 'rents are in bed and Jimmy's huckin pebbles at yer window. One AM on school night and you got a feeling in your belly grumblin up yer throat. Hands are twitchin, hips are shakin, heads a buzzin. You got that triple shot of hormonal kick ass bustin its back all up to yer craw. You know what time it is? It's time ta rock.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Costume Maneuver

This maneuver will require some forethought on the challenger's part. He/she should bring a costume or embarrassing hat for the singer to wear as they perform their next song. This could lead to some fun gender bending choices as 300 pound rednecks get dolled up as Britney Spears during her schoolgirl heyday to sing Shania Twain's "Man, I Feel like Woman."
Or perhaps a shirt that is plaid with a butterfly collar could be used for someone when they sing "Parents Just don't Understand."

It could also be a liberal dosing of makeup for songs by KISS, King Diamond, or the Insane Clown Posse. Singing "All by Myself" while dressed as Shaggy 2-dope(sp?) could spell the end of life on Earth as we know it. Columns will finally start crumbling, Krakens will rise, and we the singers...we the singers will, like Nero in his time, celebrate as it turns to ash.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dolly Parton Challenge Card

My Guest Artist is Ann Zakaluk. We date. She can draw pretty nice-like.
When I was a small boy, my mother took my sister and I to see "9 to 5". I had never seen Dolly Parton before but in my mind from that day on she has been the most beautiful woman in the world. Even when her tits became the butt of every joke in Elementary School I held fast to my conviction. Even as her public persona became more and more garish, I clinged to that as the one solid truth. The one constant in my chaotic life.

When I was working in the music industry she came to rehearse at my employer's and I wouldn't look upon her for fear that she couldn't live up to my childhood glorification. I sat near the studio and listened and she sounded better than ever. What a voice. What a songwriter. A real icon of class, professionalism, and talent in a rotten world of leaches and scumbags. Now feel free to puke all over her legacy with your sloshy versions of "Jolene". Bring the whole damn Sorority up to sing it too. Why not? It's a free country. See if I care.

And you know what else you can do? You wanna know WHAT ELSE!?! Do "Islands in the Stream" ... bring your boyfriend up and DO IT! I got threatened by skin heads with a pit bull for putting that song on at a bar in Soho. They waltzed over to the digital juke box and used the skip ahead function to pre-empt my selections then turned to my buddy and me and said, "Hadda put a stop to that faggot shit." Then Buckcherry's "I Love the Cocaine" came blaring out. I thought they must have been joking but we didn't hang around to find out.

The weird part was that he didn't say "shite." It was clearly "shit" even though they were Irish guys. I've never actually heard anyone say "shite" outside of folks using the affectation for whatever reason they choose to. I've been listening for it but I'm actually really bad with dialect...

So you go ahead and fill every bar in the country with the "Islands in the Stream." Those fuckers need to hear it wherever they go for the rest of their lives. It could be like a really dull "Tales from the Darkside" episode as they're driven mad by the constant exposure to the 1983 #1 pop hit penned by Mr. Barry Gibb and Co. The twist ending could be that they start to like it.

So here, try it out:

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Friday, August 6, 2010

Dance, Motherfucker, Dance.

This is a challenge to perform any song about a dance. "The Twist", "The Madison", "The Macarena", "Crank That Soulja Boy", "The MAshed Potato", or if you wanna get down for reals... do "Land of 1000 Dances".

Tell 'em, guys!