Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Dolly Parton Challenge Card

My Guest Artist is Ann Zakaluk. We date. She can draw pretty nice-like.
When I was a small boy, my mother took my sister and I to see "9 to 5". I had never seen Dolly Parton before but in my mind from that day on she has been the most beautiful woman in the world. Even when her tits became the butt of every joke in Elementary School I held fast to my conviction. Even as her public persona became more and more garish, I clinged to that as the one solid truth. The one constant in my chaotic life.

When I was working in the music industry she came to rehearse at my employer's and I wouldn't look upon her for fear that she couldn't live up to my childhood glorification. I sat near the studio and listened and she sounded better than ever. What a voice. What a songwriter. A real icon of class, professionalism, and talent in a rotten world of leaches and scumbags. Now feel free to puke all over her legacy with your sloshy versions of "Jolene". Bring the whole damn Sorority up to sing it too. Why not? It's a free country. See if I care.

And you know what else you can do? You wanna know WHAT ELSE!?! Do "Islands in the Stream" ... bring your boyfriend up and DO IT! I got threatened by skin heads with a pit bull for putting that song on at a bar in Soho. They waltzed over to the digital juke box and used the skip ahead function to pre-empt my selections then turned to my buddy and me and said, "Hadda put a stop to that faggot shit." Then Buckcherry's "I Love the Cocaine" came blaring out. I thought they must have been joking but we didn't hang around to find out.

The weird part was that he didn't say "shite." It was clearly "shit" even though they were Irish guys. I've never actually heard anyone say "shite" outside of folks using the affectation for whatever reason they choose to. I've been listening for it but I'm actually really bad with dialect...

So you go ahead and fill every bar in the country with the "Islands in the Stream." Those fuckers need to hear it wherever they go for the rest of their lives. It could be like a really dull "Tales from the Darkside" episode as they're driven mad by the constant exposure to the 1983 #1 pop hit penned by Mr. Barry Gibb and Co. The twist ending could be that they start to like it.

So here, try it out:

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1 comment:

  1. All karaoke duets should have hermaphrodites! Great drawing, great story, and one VERY fun singalong.